uring my 28 years as a judge, I often told people that the greatest tragedy in American society was the break-up of the family – from that came the seeds of most other societal issues, crime, drugs, poverty, etc.
Arizona, like most other states permits divorce on demand. Fault is not only not required, evidence of fault is severely restricted. Under the Arizona model, parents are deemed equally at fault for any emotional impact on the children – judges start with the proposition that children should live bifurcated lives, spending substantial time with each parent, regardless of marital misconduct unless there is demonstrated direct impact on the children. Providing proof of direct impact can take thousands of dollars in custody evaluations and, because emotional impact is so subtle and because its impact reveals itself over time, it is hard to get those opinions during the time of the divorce. It is common in my experience that some (indeed many) judges avoid the issue of deciding how fault might impact the children and orders for equal parenting time are issued more and more regularly.
Here are some excerpts from an article about the effects of infidelity which put into perspective the subtle aspects of how it affects our children in their work ethic, their own intimate relationships, friendships, domestic skills, communication, and problem-solving skills in all aspects of their lives now and to come.
LINK TO: Marriagebuilders.com Article
Source:
Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn
by Jennifer Harley Chalmers, Ph.D. , a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the co-author of "Surviving an Affair" (Harley/Chalmers, Revell, 1998).
Children learn from their parents. In fact parents are the most influential guides in a child's life.
Many will see their mannerisms and phrases being used by their child.
But parents are more than models for mannerisms and phrases. They are models for crucial aspects of life: a work ethic, intimate relationships, friendships, domestic skills, communication, and problem-solving skills.
Lessons about life are being taught when a parent has an affair -- lessons that they usually don't want their child to learn.
The first life lesson a child learns when a parent has an affair -- how to deal with emotional pain.
Children whose parents are experiencing marital conflict feel many emotions -- guilt, confusion, loneliness, sadness, fear, worry, abandonment, and many other excruciating feelings. When a child is losing the security base of a strong marriage they are bombarded with pain.
So how is a child supposed to soothe their pain and the feeling of helplessness? And how does a child gain control in an uncontrollable situation? Out of the need to defend against these uncomfortable feelings comes a new rule about life -- If a problem arises, children learn that it is better to deny that there is a problem than to face it and feel the pain.
A child can defend herself from the bombardment of emotional pain through the defenses of denial and justification.
But this new rule did not help teach the child how to solve crucial problems that would face her later in life. Instead of facing and solving those problems, she would deny their very existence and look the other way as it would grow and eventually overwhelm her.
The second life lesson a child learns when a parent has an affair -- how to lie.
In order to maintain a secret second life, wayward spouses need to keep up the deceit. A child remembers how upset her parent was when she found out about the other woman. She didn't want mom to get angry at dad. So with this newly learned habit of lying for dad, came a second rule about life -- Lying is allowed if it spares another from pain or spares yourself from punishment.
Another rule from this lesson on deceit is that lying is allowed when it protects your privacy.
Everyone has a right to privacy in their life, even if it involves hurting people behind their back.
A child may be told over and over that it is not mom's business to know what dad does in order
to justify the fact that dad was lying to mom.
The third life lesson a child learns when a parent has an affair -- how to be thoughtless, doing what you please regardless of how it affects other people.
A child will learn how to take advantage of her friends and family when there was something in it for her. She would learn how to disregard others' suffering because she had a right to enjoy life to the fullest.
All wayward spouses hurt the people they care about the most. Wayward spouses rationalize that they had to look out for themselves which is why they developed the relationship outside of their marriage in the first place. Their actions seem to benefit themselves in the short term, but it has disastrous effects on members of their family.
Marital discord is hard enough on children. It undermines the basic security needed for them to learn and grow. But to add infidelity to a troubled marriage turns a problem into a disaster.
Parents who have an affair are teaching their children very important rules that are likely to be followed for the rest of their lives. It ultimately not only undermines their marital relationships but it also seriously hurts their own chances for success in most other areas of life.
Parents have a responsibility to teach their children the importance of honesty and the importance of thoughtfulness -- considering other people's feeling when decisions are being made. To do otherwise is not only terribly irresponsible, but may tend to perpetuate the learning of these rules of deceit and thoughtlessness for generations to come.
Arizona, like most other states permits divorce on demand. Fault is not only not required, evidence of fault is severely restricted. Under the Arizona model, parents are deemed equally at fault for any emotional impact on the children – judges start with the proposition that children should live bifurcated lives, spending substantial time with each parent, regardless of marital misconduct unless there is demonstrated direct impact on the children. Providing proof of direct impact can take thousands of dollars in custody evaluations and, because emotional impact is so subtle and because its impact reveals itself over time, it is hard to get those opinions during the time of the divorce. It is common in my experience that some (indeed many) judges avoid the issue of deciding how fault might impact the children and orders for equal parenting time are issued more and more regularly.
Here are some excerpts from an article about the effects of infidelity which put into perspective the subtle aspects of how it affects our children in their work ethic, their own intimate relationships, friendships, domestic skills, communication, and problem-solving skills in all aspects of their lives now and to come.
LINK TO: Marriagebuilders.com Article
Source:
Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn
by Jennifer Harley Chalmers, Ph.D. , a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the co-author of "Surviving an Affair" (Harley/Chalmers, Revell, 1998).
Children learn from their parents. In fact parents are the most influential guides in a child's life.
Many will see their mannerisms and phrases being used by their child.
But parents are more than models for mannerisms and phrases. They are models for crucial aspects of life: a work ethic, intimate relationships, friendships, domestic skills, communication, and problem-solving skills.
Lessons about life are being taught when a parent has an affair -- lessons that they usually don't want their child to learn.
The first life lesson a child learns when a parent has an affair -- how to deal with emotional pain.
Children whose parents are experiencing marital conflict feel many emotions -- guilt, confusion, loneliness, sadness, fear, worry, abandonment, and many other excruciating feelings. When a child is losing the security base of a strong marriage they are bombarded with pain.
So how is a child supposed to soothe their pain and the feeling of helplessness? And how does a child gain control in an uncontrollable situation? Out of the need to defend against these uncomfortable feelings comes a new rule about life -- If a problem arises, children learn that it is better to deny that there is a problem than to face it and feel the pain.
A child can defend herself from the bombardment of emotional pain through the defenses of denial and justification.
But this new rule did not help teach the child how to solve crucial problems that would face her later in life. Instead of facing and solving those problems, she would deny their very existence and look the other way as it would grow and eventually overwhelm her.
The second life lesson a child learns when a parent has an affair -- how to lie.
In order to maintain a secret second life, wayward spouses need to keep up the deceit. A child remembers how upset her parent was when she found out about the other woman. She didn't want mom to get angry at dad. So with this newly learned habit of lying for dad, came a second rule about life -- Lying is allowed if it spares another from pain or spares yourself from punishment.
Another rule from this lesson on deceit is that lying is allowed when it protects your privacy.
Everyone has a right to privacy in their life, even if it involves hurting people behind their back.
A child may be told over and over that it is not mom's business to know what dad does in order
to justify the fact that dad was lying to mom.
The third life lesson a child learns when a parent has an affair -- how to be thoughtless, doing what you please regardless of how it affects other people.
A child will learn how to take advantage of her friends and family when there was something in it for her. She would learn how to disregard others' suffering because she had a right to enjoy life to the fullest.
All wayward spouses hurt the people they care about the most. Wayward spouses rationalize that they had to look out for themselves which is why they developed the relationship outside of their marriage in the first place. Their actions seem to benefit themselves in the short term, but it has disastrous effects on members of their family.
Marital discord is hard enough on children. It undermines the basic security needed for them to learn and grow. But to add infidelity to a troubled marriage turns a problem into a disaster.
Parents who have an affair are teaching their children very important rules that are likely to be followed for the rest of their lives. It ultimately not only undermines their marital relationships but it also seriously hurts their own chances for success in most other areas of life.
Parents have a responsibility to teach their children the importance of honesty and the importance of thoughtfulness -- considering other people's feeling when decisions are being made. To do otherwise is not only terribly irresponsible, but may tend to perpetuate the learning of these rules of deceit and thoughtlessness for generations to come.